No going back
by MccullersStratford
Summary: Paily fic, though for the first few chapters will concern Emily mainly... Paige will have a bigger role later. Paige was sick of being hurt and given up on by Emily. Will they be able to work things out or will they move on in an attempt to be happy with other people?
1. Chapter 1

**Stole certain parts of the plot from the film 'Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind' for the first few chapters, and then I want to mix it up a bit. It will not end the same as the film, not even close… I don't yet know who I want to be canon and what happens in the end but we'll see where this goes. Enjoy**

"Paige, look, please… I just want to talk about this." Emily couldn't bear not being with Paige, their relationship of two years ended for the most ridiculous reason and though it may not have been her fault, it was clearly Emily's decision. She was under the impression that a couple of fights meant a relationship wasn't worth fighting for, that it was beyond saving. Now that it was too late she realised how wrong she was.

"Sorry, aren't you the girl from the school swim team?" Paige had a look of utter confusion on her face, as if she didn't even know Emily and had just passed her a few times in the school hallway. Emily's heart sank.

"How can you be so pathetic? You don't have to ignore me and pretend nothing ever happened between us."

"Sorry, I think maybe you have the wrong person…" Paige closed the door on Emily, a little concerned at the fact that someone she didn't really know not only knew her but also knew where she lived.

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Emily didn't want to be alone right now; she invited Spencer, Aria and Hanna for a night of drinking and bitching. And considering Spencer was with Toby, Aria with Ezra and Hanna was with Caleb, the only person they'll be bitching about is Paige.

"Why would she act like nothing happened between us? You should've seen her; she had actually convinced herself that I didn't even exist." Emily was genuinely hurt by this, all she wanted was to apologise and get things back to how they were before the break up.

"Look, Em, she's clearly not worth it." Aria started, "I mean, do you not remember when she tried to drown you? She's just sad; don't let her do this to you. You're better than this." I knew Aria was really trying to help and I was all for bitching about Paige but it still hurt, people thinking Paige was that bad. Emily knew Paige wasn't a bad person.

Hanna must have seen the disapproving look on my face at Aria's comment, "I think what Aria is trying to say is that you deserve better. Yeah, you loved Paige and we get that but you've got to see it from our point of view." Hanna smiled reassuringly. I truly did love my friends, despite what we've all been through the last couple of years they're still there for me anytime I need them.

Spencer stood up from the couch, she looked a little nervous and wasn't quite sure about what she was about to do. She walked to the other side of my room and grabbed my laptop. The three of us were concerned, just waiting for what Spencer looked so guilty about.

"Em, I'm sorry, I should've told you sooner. There's this new place that opened up next the costume shop last month and…" she showed me the screen. It was a professional webpage with a logo across the top, the logo read 'Rosewood's memory erasing'.

"Why are you showing me this, Spencer?" I was beginning to get impatient, I was jumping to conclusions that I hoped were exaggerated or untrue.

"Scroll to the bottom." I did as spencer said, not getting any less worried. Scrolling to the bottom of the webpage there was a live feed titled 'Memories recently erased.' I panicked, hoping this was a joke or a dream or anything. I scrolled through the live feed looking for her name. 'March 5th: Paige McCullers had Emily Fields removed from her memory'.

I didn't know what to do or say, I just went completely numb. How could she do this to me? To us? How could she throw everything away like that, did I really mean so little to her? I couldn't even begin to think up a rational excuse.

"Emily, promise me you won't do anything stupid." Hanna seemed concerned about me, scared I was going to do the same thing. Well, why wouldn't I? It's not fair that I have to suffer whilst she can get on with her life not knowing who I am anymore.

"I think we should go" Spencer raised her eyebrows at the two girls.

"Yeah Spence, I think you're right. Sorry Emily, we'll see you tomorrow." Aria smiled and walked with Spencer to my bedroom door. Hanna wasn't ready to leave yet; she wanted to make sure I wouldn't do anything stupid.

"Emily, honestly, it hurts now and it might seem that if you erase her from your memory too the pain will go, but it won't. Think about it, you have the advantage now, you know what you did was wrong, you couldn't fight for her, but now, now you can. You can find her; make her fall in love with you all over again. Love isn't that shallow Em, she can forget about having you in her life but she can never forget her love for you." Hanna, hugged me before following the girls to the door, "we do love you Em, if you need us we're just a phone call away." Hanna always knew what to say, though she wasn't quite as academically smart as the three of us, she definitely knew far more about life and relationships than the rest of us.

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I understood why they wanted to protect me and why they didn't want me interfering with memory erasing, but I couldn't just ignore the fact that this pain could go away in a matter of hours just by making an appointment.

I did respect what Hanna said but I just kept over thinking it, could Paige fall in love with me again? Is it worth the pain? Wouldn't our whole relationship be based on lies if I acted like nothing happened and meet her 'for the first time' again? Would it not just be less painful and less of a risk to just erase my memory and fall in love again, even if it's not with Paige?

Some time after the girls had left I decided to examine the website a little closer. It seemed fairly affordable, not painful or dangerous and would take no longer than two hours for the whole process to be over. There were many pages on the scientific facts explaining their work and possible side effects which were highly unlikely.

Generally, it seemed reliable and the only reason I could see for not doing this was that I would be letting the girls down, particularly Hanna, considering the speech she gave me. But surely they wouldn't have to know. I mean, it wasn't them I wanted erasing from my memory, it was Paige, and if I explained my situation they may not use my name on the website due to privacy laws. I could probably get away with the procedure without the others ever finding out.


	2. Chapter 2

The swim meet was in ten minutes and I knew I'd have to see Paige at some point, I couldn't avoid her forever, and considering I showed up at her house a few days ago unannounced knowing who she was when she was so convinced we've never met before, it wasn't going to be fun.

I figured I should give Hanna's plan a go, if I erase my memory too, there's no going back and I couldn't go through something like that just to get rid of the pain of being so betrayed by her when there's a chance I could fix this.

Perhaps Paige erasing her memory of me was the best thing for us; maybe it was supposed to be like this. I had to wait and see if I can meet Paige for the first time again, have the chance to start from scratch; I wouldn't be able to forgive myself otherwise. And if the same happens again, if she just can't fall in love with me a second time, or if things end badly, I can just erase my memory then. I was glad that I didn't make any rash decisions, the thought that I may be able to save our relationship was all I needed, and right now nothing mattered other than Paige.

As I made my way to the girl's locker room, I heard Hanna call my name from the end of the hallway. She was supposed to be in English right now but apparently whatever she wanted to say to me was more important.

"Emily!" she practically ran towards me, which was actually pretty impressive in her 5 inch heels. I never understood why she always insisted on wearing heels all the time.

"Hanna? What's up?" she hugged me in response to this question.

"We love you, and we're glad you didn't do anything stupid. It's for the best I promise; just don't even think about the memory removal place. You'll be better without it." She smiled at me, but it was that smile that made you feel guilty, she was very good at making people feel guilty.

"Thanks Han, I promise you I won't do anything like that! Honestly, it's past me now." I smiled at her reassuringly before she turned to walk back to her English class.

My encounter with Hanna before the swim meet made me feel much calmer; I wasn't nearly as worried about bumping into Paige now. I keep forgetting that just because I lost Paige doesn't mean I lost everyone, I still had my friends, and that meant more to me than anything, that they would stand by me like this while I just feel sorry for myself. As I walked into the locker room to get changed I saw Paige and a group of girls from the swim team whispering in the corner of the room. Initially, it didn't really bother me; the girls did this kind of thing all the time.

As I was opening my locker I noticed Paige looking over at me and then laughing with the rest of the girls. She must have told them about the other day when I turned up at Paige's house. Most of the girls on the swim team didn't know Paige and I were together, we decided not to make it public to anyone other than our friends. It would've just got in the way and would probably have caused problems with certain members of the team so I didn't expect them to understand why I would just turn up on Paige's door step either.

After getting changed into my swim suit, I walked back into the locker room to put the rest of my stuff into my locker before going through to the pool to meet the coach. As I walked through the locker room Paige was sat on the bench in front of my locker, the rest of the girls had gone to the pool so it was just the two of us.

"It's Emily isn't it?" I had forgotten the she didn't remember me, I tried to keep it in the back of my mind, it just hurt too much.

"Yeah... Yeah it is" I answered bluntly in an attempt to hide how much it hurt me to think that we were together for over two years, we were in love with each other, and now she didn't even know my name.

"Can I ask you something?" Paige was looking at the floor as she asked me this, I had been expecting her to question me, I was just glad she didn't do it in front of anyone else.

"Yeah, sure. But only if I can ask you something?" Paige looked up at me, "okay, you go…"

"What were you and the girls laughing at as I walked in?" I asked it bluntly but I was paranoid and didn't want any conflict between us. "Don't worry; it wasn't you if that's what you're thinking. The coach isn't wearing a bra today. Honestly, it's funnier that it sounds." She smiled to herself looking back down at the floor. I was curious about what she wanted to ask me. "Okay, now you go".

"How long have we been swimming together?" Paige asked, more concerned than curious.

"I'm not sure. About three years I think, why?"

"Well, why can't I remember? I remember being on the team and fighting for captain… but I don't remember you…" Paige's tone of voice broke my heart, she sounded genuinely scared and confused. I just wanted to hold her and tell her everything's alright like I used to.

"Maybe I'm not the sort of person you pay attention to" I smiled at her and walked out to the pool where the coach and the rest of the team were waiting for us. I couldn't tell her, as much as I wanted to and as much as it pained me to just leave her after a question like that, I just had to wait. I wasn't sure whether or not I should ever tell her. They say ignorance is bliss and maybe they're right. I just had to be patient.

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After the swim meet I headed home, trying to avoid Paige. As much as I wanted to see her and be with her, I couldn't bare the questioning and confusion and fear.

I sat in bed for a while, I wasn't sure how long but it was long enough for my mom to start getting worried about me. She had checked to make sure I was okay at least three times since I got home. I sat staring at the walls, over thinking to myself.

I just wish I could go back in time and stop Paige, I was supposed to be there for her, keep her safe. I couldn't even do that, and now because of me she's hurt and confused. How could I be so selfish? I didn't deserve her. I don't deserve her.

I saw my phone light up from the end of my bed. I figured it was one of the girls asking me how I was or wanting to make plans. I picked it up.

_'New message from Paige McCullers_'. Why did she have my number? When I was thinking about erasing my memory I read up on all the conditions from the website, one of which stated that everything you associate with a particular person must be completely removed from your life, including phone numbers, old text messages and phone calls. There's no way she could still have my number.

I opened the message, worried about what it may say. _'Sorry Emily, Spencer gave me your number. I was just wondering if we could meet. There are some things I want to talk to you about'._


End file.
